Self-Awareness and Happiness: Are You Letting Yourself Be Unhappy?

I see many people struggling in their personal lives, workplaces, and relationships because they feel unworthy of love; they don’t love themselves. However, loving oneself is crucial for mental health and a source of happiness. For example, when we try to lose weight, we might start worrying about our progress even after achieving some success. Or we might initiate a new friendship with someone we really like, but soon find ourselves “too busy” to fit into their schedule. It could also happen when we fall in love, we start making excuses to withdraw. When we succeed in one area of life, we often find ourselves sabotaging in another. When events like these occur, it’s easy to blame circumstances or see them as inevitable bad luck to accept. In reality, many of us lack tolerance for our own happiness.

Why does this happen? Many of us prefer to deny ourselves rather than face reality. We tend to think that pursuing things that scare us is selfish or forcing ourselves. We all have moments when we listen to harsh self-criticism that pushes us not to set goals for ourselves and our lives. This criticism actually arises when we move forward. It reminds us to stay where we are and not dare to step out of our comfort zones. The reasons why we hold onto negative thoughts and sabotage are complex, but they are the root of much of our maladaptive behavior. By understanding why we listen to this criticism and take actions that undermine our well-being, we can gain self-understanding when overcoming these barriers and allow ourselves to be open to our own happiness.

These are the most common reasons I often see in counseling why someone doesn’t allow themselves to have the true happiness they desire:

1. Feeling disruptive to one’s own identity.
   No matter how negative our self-perception is, like a new blanket, we can actually feel comfortable and safe with it. If we start to develop or gradually change ourselves in ways different from usual, we usually begin to feel very uncomfortable and anxious. It can be daunting, confusing to go beyond how we used to see ourselves. This can stem from negative ways we might have seen in our families or how people around us see themselves seep into our consciousness. As adults, we need to understand this and change it if necessary.

   

2. It challenges our defenses.
   One’s defenses can often be like a thick suit of armor we create to fight off or prevent anything that hurts us. If we have had absent or abusive parents or guardians, we might not let anyone get too close. If we have been frequently bullied, punished, or misunderstood, we may fear standing out, succeeding, or being noticed. We build defenses to cope with unwanted early environmental elements, but as we grow and face new situations as adults, these behaviors and patterns often become maladaptive. We may find it difficult to maintain intimate relationships or to achieve in our careers. We may sabotage ourselves in countless ways by challenging our defenses. We may even unconsciously seek similar situations to those we experienced when we were growing up, for example, finding a partner who reminds us of someone from our past. We may create dynamics from our childhood, although unpleasant, are familiar and fit our defense. If we take risks and drop our defenses, it can actually make us achieve true happiness.
3. We become restless or anxious.
   Following what we want can make someone feel more anxious. When we act against our habits and break our defenses, we will feel mixed up at first. The voices in our heads become louder, and our desire to act against our own interests becomes stronger. In moments like this, giving up can calm our anxiety by returning us to what is comfortable and familiar. However, shortly afterward, we may punish ourselves for messing up. Our inner critic becomes like a sadistic coach, and the cycle of self-destruction begins again. It is helpful to realize that any effort to change is likely to be met with anxiety. If we stick with it and sweat through this discomfort, however, the anxiety will actually diminish. To overcome this anxiety, we can overcome it by ignoring our inner criticism and continue to move forward and try.

   

4. It brings about guilt.
   Choosing to be happy now can represent a separation from our past, especially when we challenge defenses and choose a different life for ourselves. It is common to feel guilty as part of our own identity. Breaking the point of identity can destroy what psychologist Robert Firestone describes as a “fantasy bond,” which we experience with influential people in our upbringing. Even parents who were painful to us in many ways are someone we used to rely on to survive. Therefore, it may be better to maintain the fantasy that we are connected to them in some ways. It can be scary to break it later on. Psychological research shows that there is a very strong relationship between the happiness of parents and their children, even long after the child grows up, moves, or gets into relationships. If we can overcome our guilt and achieve more happiness than our parents, it may make us feel lonely, but it will feel freeing.
5. We feel forced to confront pain.
   Psychologist Pat Love once said that “when you want something like love, it becomes associated with pain.” In many ways, getting what we want can make us feel hurt and sad because it reminds us of something we didn’t have within ourselves before so positive experiences can feel like opening old wounds. We cannot selectively turn off pain without happiness. If we feel more love, gratitude, and pleasure, we will actually be able to feel more sadness, loss, and vulnerability. This is the awareness of life.

It may sound strange that what you want most, or what would be best for you, is often what you reject or fear the most. No one else can tell us what will make us happy or what is most important to us. This is something you have to decide for yourself, and once you do, it’s your job to fight for it.

The following ways might help you understand not to run away from the happiness you want:

• Recognize patterns in your inner critical voice and self-destructive behavior. This will help you recognize when your inner criticism is triggered so you can act against its hurtful direction.
• Find active ways to differentiate from negative influences in your past. Try to choose qualities you want to emulate and reject those you don’t.
• Don’t take on a victim mentality. No one, not even your past, can control you. As an adult, you must learn to make your own choices.
• Recognize that you have the strength, ability, and difficulties that will not prevent you from making yourself happy.

Each of these steps is a big challenge, but important for a meaningful personal life. Contrary to the inner critic who may say you are selfish, when you create personal value, you actually become more valuable to the world. Your happiness is important and natural for everyone. Remember, sharing the happiness we feel will be much easier to do if you have already made yourself happy!