A common complaint I hear from couple clients is that one of them feels that her or his relationship is not considered important by their partner. Whether it’s because of work, children or various other reasons. Sometimes this arises situationally, for example when one has to take care of a sick child, the other has to work overtime every day.
But actually this happens because of the pattern of behavior that has already been silenced, so that couples often feel that the relationship has become meaningless, unconnected. Maybe as a couple you don’t fight, but you never talk heart-to-heart outside of talk of daily necessities or kitchen stuffing. You just go through life every day with exactly the same routine pattern and never give ‘quality time’ with your partner. This means that it is time to change, maybe some of these tips you can try with your partner:
- Remind each other. One of the most commonly heard symptoms of disconnection: “he never asked about my state”. It’s better not to just complain, try to do something and change your routine pattern every now and then. Proactively, tell your partner what you’re feeling and what you’re doing. Instead of just waiting for your partner’s consciousness that doesn’t come to your senses and just makes you upset.
- Don’t be defensive. When our partner complains of something, try to avoid a defensive response. Especially until you try to gather evidence to corroborate your defensive response. Actually, you’re probably just trying to convince your partner that you’re right and he’s wrong which eventually leads to the two of you arguing with each other. Don’t do this, it may not be easy but your behavior will show: “I’ve tried my best, but you’re still unhappy. Since I am affectionate with you, I want to understand this condition and make it better.” This behavior does not mean that you are passively accepting complaints, but displays sensitivity and behavior like an adult human being.
- Don’t strike back. This is usually a continuation of a defensive argument. Try to focus on your partner’s concerns. Look for a time when you both calm down, then you tell the concerns from your side.
- Schedule quality time only for both of you. Non-negotiable, plan a time for the two of you alone with your partner. If it has been solemnly established, don’t be denied by the two of you. Create positive experiences and make sweet memories together to fight the boredom of the routine.
- Treat couples with courtesy, sensitivity and mutual respect. Whatever difficulties are encountered in a relationship, remind yourself to still treat your partner well. It’s important to keep in mind, treat your partner the way you want to be treated.
- Say yes and… than yes but… Pairing life is working together in a team. Rather than you being defensive or always managing. Listen to your partner’s feedback and try to also provide additional ideas if you are still in doubt about your partner’s input, but not turn off your partner’s idea.
- Make the conversation intimate and intimate. This is very important for each couple to realize. Make up words, body language that only the two of you can understand. Don’t get carried away with regular conversations for a long time. Intimacy means that you are both trying to get out of the safe zone to deepen the relationship.
- Solve the problem. Plan a time to solve the problem that should be solved no matter how small it is. Of course, with the aim that couples can understand each other. Do not bring too many mistakes of the past, do not make plays, make sure that the purpose of the conversation is clear.
There are many more tips that don’t seem to be enough in just one article. If the tips above still feel difficult to do, consider doing couples counseling with a psychologist. Often you and your partner need a safe place to straighten out situations that are sometimes difficult to understand if you are only with your partner.